Blast off!

My second baby is born.

My book officially launched on Wednesday, the launch event was brilliant, big thanks to Giddy Arts, Cap and Collar and all who came.

I was honoured by the turn out and the support from so many lovely people in my life. If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know public speaking is not my thing and reading out what is essentially my personal diary to a room full of people had been giving me the jitters. However, I did it. I may have been a bit wobbly in parts and had to pause a few times to take deep breaths regain my composure, but I blooming well did it. The round of applause I got at the end and the kind and thoughtful comments after, made it all worthwhile. I’m not ashamed to say I was a little bit proud of myself. I’ve done things I thought I couldn’t do and it may sound clichéd, but I’ve realised the only thing holding me back was myself. A little bit of credit to my husband here, over the last eight years, he’s helped me to believe I can do a whole lot more than I’d decided I could. You’re not bad 😉

To go back to the start, slightly over a year ago, I excitedly wrote my first blog post I’ve written a book. For a long time, I was nervous about telling anyone what I was doing. Due to a lack of confidence, I thought people might not take me seriously. Probably more importantly, I thought I might not take myself seriously. That I might one day throw it all in the bin and chastise myself for thinking I could write or that anyone would be interested in my story. But deep down, I knew. I knew I have a story similar to so many others, the pain and heartbreak of struggling to make a baby. The fear that it may never happen, the angst and despair as what starts out as excitement and hope morphs into worry and dread. The obsession that takes over your life, the inability to see things clearly, the way trying to conceive dominates your life and affects your relationships with others in ways you couldn’t have imagined. I know this resonates, I know I wasn’t alone in what I went through. None of us are, and yet the long road of infertility is a lonely and isolating place. I hope my little contribution will offer others a connection point, something to relate to and maybe, just maybe raise a few smiles in the darkest of hours.

Lots of love to all.

Tori x

P.S. You can buy the book here.
Follow me on Twitter @Toridaywrites

Promoting my self published book

So there’s five days to go until my official launch and things are hotting up. I’m on Amazon and I’ve got some reviews already, how exciting!

Since I last blogged, I’ve been on the radio again, with the lovely Stephanie Hirst on Radio Leeds (go to 46 mins in if you want to listen). I’m up straight after George Ezra and ‘Bupapest’ will now forever make me feel nervous. Sitting in a studio like the ones I’ve only seen on the telly before, waiting for a light to go red which means I’m live on air and 30,000 people are listening, was a nerve wracking experience. But Steph was lovely and as soon as we started I felt myself relax and am proud to say when I listened back, I sounded reasonably articulate and quite comfortable with the subject matter (which I am, totes). She even let me get a selfie with her after – see below. My husband said ‘You didn’t sound like a numpty’ (erm cheers) and my sister said ‘Just listened. Made me teary. You are brilliant.’ (love her)

So that’s that and suddenly more people are reading my blog and I have sold some books already! I’ve said before, being an #indieauthor is tough and self-promoting can feel uncomfortable, but if I put aside that I’m promoting my own work and think about the people I’m hoping to reach and possibly offer a bit of comfort to, then that motivates me to keep going.

I’ve been interviewed in our local magazine (pg 22) which was a pleasure. Print is much more my comfort zone than being ‘live on air’ (mini shudder). Thank you to my friend Jenna who knows the editor and passed on their contact details when the standard ‘submissions@’ address yielded no results.

And big thanks to Fertility Network UK for posting my press release. 10% of my profits will go to the charity and they’ve also been supporting my release on their social media channels which has given me a boost. Happy days.

Oh yes, so what have I learnt? What’s my advice to other #indieauthors? It’s this; put yourselves out there, ask people for favours, find ways in. Believe in yourself (said in a non-cheesy way) and use your own networks to promote – friends and family will be your biggest advocates and word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool.

Five days to go – eek!

Love Tori x

On the radio

On Monday I did my first ever radio interview. A friend old of mine, Peg Alexander who happens to work in TV and radio encouraged me to do it when we were out for dinner at a mutual friend’s birthday recently, and I’m glad she did. I have to confess, when she first suggested it, the very thought was enough to strike fear into my heart. Live on the radio? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I’m so nervous my voice shakes, or I clam up and can’t speak at all? I very quickly realised I had to stop ‘what iffing’ and blooming well get on with it if I wanted to make a go of promoting my book. I dutifully wrote my press release and my friend sent it to her contacts. Within five minutes I had a phone call from a radio producer inviting me onto their show in a few days’ time. I said yes, then instantly wondered what I’d let myself in for. Luckily it was being interviewed by Peg which put me at ease, she’s had her own fertility struggles and I knew she’d ‘get it’ and it’d all be ok.

That didn’t stop me frantically preparing on Monday and writing down everything I could possibly say – I know, I’m a huge geek. I was going over my notes when the phone, carefully positioned next to them, rang and made me jump out of my skin. The friendly producer told me I’d be live on air after Tina Turner – eek. Listening to Simply the Best, heart pounding, there was only one thing for it. I stood up from my desk and adopted the power stance. Yep, full on superwoman style – chest out, shoulders back, hands on hips and deep breaths. You feel a bit of a wally, and I hoped my neighbours weren’t peering through the window, but it works. It’s hard to feel shy and nervous when you’re standing like a superhero ready to take on the world. Tina Turner finished and the presenter started to introduce the topic for discussion and…the line went dead. Argh! What should I do? Call back? Wait for them to realise and call me back? What if we called at the same time and both got the engaged tone? (Yes, I’m an overthinker.) After staring at the phone for a few seconds, power stance wavering, I called them back, and they answered, reconnected me, and all was fine. Phew! I pretended it was just me and Peg talking and was my normal self. Apart from stuttering over the word ‘implantation’, I think I did a reasonable job, no shaky voice and no clamming up all together.

Aside from cringing at the sound of my own voice when I listen, the clip is actually pretty ok and I’m proud of doing something that scared me. Reading at my launch should be a breeze after this.

So, here it is – false start where I’m cut off and all. https://soundcloud.com/pegalexander/tori-day-interview-25-march-2019

Tori Day Interview – 25 March 2019 Radio presenter Peg Alexander chats to author Tori day about infertility. An honest conversation between two women who know what its like to not get pregnant. soundcloud.com

And that’s not all. The day after I got invited to Radio Leeds to chat to them about my book and I found myself saying yes, without hesitation or trepidation. This time I’m going into the studio, exciting! I wonder if they’ll mind me power stancing in there….?

Moral of the story – do scary stuff, it pays off.

Thanks for the nudge Peg!

Love Tori x

The end is in sight!

I’ve had my manuscript back from my editor and am so glad I decided to bite the bullet and hire a professional. Everyone I asked, advised that I should. At first I was reluctant to spend the money as an #indieauthor, but I’m confident it was worth it. I feel so much better now that a professional has seen it and she didn’t say ‘this is rubbish, what are you doing?’ – phew. It must be ok.

I’m confident my book is now as shiny as it can be and I also now know the difference between a hyphen and an en-dash and when to use them, so, you know, that’s a big plus.

Thank you Helena Fairfax!

For the moment the ball is out of my court as it’s with my proof reader (a willing volunteer via work) and the awe inspiring Jessica Hepburn who has agreed to puff for me. See my earlier blog if you’re wondering what on earth I’m going on about. Hopefully she won’t think it’s rubbish and will still want to give me a quote for the cover when she’s done reading *crosses fingers*.

In other news, I’ve been having a bit of a wobbly time post miscarriage and trying again. It’s struck me that a lot of the support for miscarriages talks about grief and working through the feelings of loss, which is totally valid, but I haven’t found much in terms of support for trying again after loss. Surely a lot of people will go on to try again after a miscarriage and this brings a whole new set of challenges. Will it happen again quickly? If it does, will I be anxious about losing the pregnancy again? Will I feel guilty for moving on quickly, like I’m being disrespectful to the baby who didn’t make it? If it doesn’t happen quickly will I worry that it won’t happen at all, that that was the one chance – yes. I already worry about this. I’ve found myself re-reading my book from a new standpoint. I’m back there. I’m trying to conceive again and it’s by no means a smooth ride.

I’ve been flailing, a little bit. I know a lot of what I’m going through is a hangover from my previous fertility struggles. It’s not all about now. And it’s not all the time either. Sometimes I genuinely am feeling fine, but other times I struggle. Luckily, I have a tendency to be honest when people ask how I am, so when an old friend text me out of the blue asking just that, she got the full story. Even more luckily, that friend happens to be a lifestyle coach and has offered to do a neuro-linguistic programming session with me, to help me let go of what’s gone before and ‘release my anchored feelings’. Cheers Mel, looking forward to it. Hope to be feeling more stable soon.

Take care out there.

Tori x

 

I’m famous in Yorkshire! (well sort of)

Exciting development this week – my first bit of publicity, in support of my book coming out soon. I’d given my details to Fertility Network UK back in May when I went to Fertility Fest, saying I’d potentially do interviews with the press. Then out of the blue I got an email saying The Yorkshire Post wanted to talk to me. Was I free the next day? Erm…yes.

So, after a nail biting wait for a phone call and a photographer knocking at my door (eek), all went well. I survived my first interview with a journalist. Being a good comms professional, of course I had my ‘core script’ and ‘lines to take’ at the ready. I made damn sure I didn’t say anything I didn’t want printing, as I do tend to get a bit ‘over-sharey’. Once I’m on a topic I’m passionate about (fertility is one of them) there’s no stopping me. In fact the journalist commented at the end of the phone call, ‘I haven’t had to ask you any more questions as you’ve given me enough’. (Lol) I think all she actually said was ‘Tell me a bit about your situation.’

What I inadvertently did by doing this though, was tell her everything I wanted her to print, without having to answer awkward questions, or reveal things I didn’t want to. I should use this technique again.

The published article is a bit tabloidy and not quite verbatim, but my key messages are in there and I’m over any nervousness about speaking to journos and having my picture in the paper. Here’s what I’ve learned:

When I’m approached by a journalist…

• Find out which publication are they working for – do I want to be associated with it?
• Who are their audience and how big is their reach?
• What’s the focus and title of the article they’re writing? Does this fit with my messages?

If these are a good fit:

• Say yes!
• Visit my core script and work out which key points I can use.
• Write them down.
• Say them out loud.
• Work out what I wouldn’t want printing.
• Don’t say those things – simples!

If you’re interested, here’s a bit of my core script:

The trying / struggling to conceive journey can be a lonely and isolating place. It’s not easy to talk about; people don’t know what to say. If you’re a stressed out parent with a toddler who’s causing havoc in a supermarket, you can exchange wry smiles with other parents, the older generation who’ve been there, or basically anybody else who happens to be around.

Being a parent is hard work, but feeling frustrated because your child won’t put down the bag of sweets and move on to the shampoo aisle or being exasperated because your two year old has just deleted some important files from your laptop which weren’t backed up (yep, this just happened to me), are actually Good Problems to Have. I say this because they’re relatable. You can use them to bond with others, they make good anecdotes and you know that however annoying these things are at the time, you’re blessed to be experiencing them.

Infertility is a Bad Problem to Have. When you’re self-consciously brushing tears from your cheeks, overcome with emotion in the nappy aisle, there’s nobody there rolling their eyes with you or offering an understanding smile. When you have to leave the room because someone has announced their pregnancy and they’ve only been trying a couple of months, you’re pulling yourself together alone in the toilets. This doesn’t make an amusing anecdote in the pub later. It makes people uncomfortable. I want to change that. I want to make it okay to say ‘hey, I’m struggling to get pregnant and it’s tough’ and for people to know what to say back – not ‘relax and it’ll happen when you least expect it’. 

Never say that. See my earlier blog post – Let’s talk about trying to conceive.

Fertility problems affect one in eight couples. There’s no shame. If we all spoke out (including to journalists), it might feel just a little less lonely.

Take care.

Tori x

The power of asking for help

I said I’d be back on form soon, and after taking some time out, muddling through some crazy hormones, allowing myself space to process and grieve and some long chats with good friends (you know who you are), I’m feeling more like my old self. See my last blog if you’re wondering what I’m talking about.

I’d been getting a bit stalled with my book, mainly as I’d been waiting for an editing company to come back to me with their assessment of my manuscript – for five weeks after the agreed date (I sharn’t name them). From what I can gather, they’ve been having a bit of a ‘mare with losing staff and have built up a huge back log. They’ve given me a refund, so you can’t say fairer than that, but I was feeling a bit flummoxed as to my next move. Do I start again, looking for another publishing company to assess, or do I jump straight to the proof reading stage then go ahead with publishing?

A coaching session at work gave me a kick start to get moving again. I remembered a lady I spoke to a year ago, when I was in the early stages of writing my book. I’d contacted her as she was part of my local writing group (who, as a brief aside, have been amazing in listening to me read sections of my book, giving useful feedback and boosting my confidence – shout out to the Saltaire Writers Group!) This lady is a published author and runs her own editing business, so I picked up the phone. She’s agreed to have a look at the first chapter of my book and give her professional opinion on whether it’d benefit from a closer edit, before I go ahead and publish. Thanks Helena Fairfax. 🙂

While I was still excited from my first ‘being cheeky and asking for stuff’ working out, I bumped into our Head of Design at a work conference yesterday. Seemingly on a roll, I thought – what the hell, I’ll try my luck again. While doing the usual dash to grab a cup of tea and a biscuit, juggling papers and various electronic devices, before the conference restarted, I jumped in and asked if any of her team could help me with designing my book cover (outside of work, obvs). I’ve just got off the phone with another lovely lady who’s agreed to look at what I’ve got so far and give me some design ideas. Looking forward to working with you Kerry!

So I’m back on track, in no small part by networking and being a bit cheeky. This demonstrates the point I made in an earlier blog – if you don’t ask you don’t get. I’ve found that people are genuinely interested in my project and are pleased to be asked to be involved. People are cool.

My advice to other #indieauthors – put yourself out there, ask for help and get stuff done.

I’m hopefully on the home stretch now, exciting times.

Tori x

Front cover for an #indieauthor

A quickie this time, on where I’m up to with self-publishing my book.

Despite itching to keep tinkering with it (why do new ideas come to me as soon as I’ve given it to people to read??) I’ve turned my attention to the points on my to do list other than ‘write book’.

The front cover.

I’m not a designer, nor do I want to pay to hire a professional designer, which leaves me with a bit of a quandary. Luckily, I have a couple of talented friends who are willing to help out. I have an idea of what it should look like, but haven’t managed to come up with anything that screams ‘yes’ at me, through my dabbling in a free app. See above – I’m not a designer.

I want something that communicates hope and despair, frustration, bleakness, but also a bit of humour and light hearted-ness. Is that an impossible brief?

This weekend, I donned my dressing gown, set my iPhone to the timer switch and ‘posed’ on the toilet to get an idea of the look I was going for. After several attempts and frustration as my hair wasn’t in the right place, or you could see too much of my legs, I called in my husband for help.

“Can you come take a photo of me on the toilet?” I shouted down the stairs.

“Can I do what?”

I clarified it was for my book cover and not some new fetish I’d recently developed, and he was happy to oblige. So, after half an hour of his amateur directing and me trying different ways of sitting on the toilet without revealing too much ‘nope, you can see down my dressing gown – too much cleavage,’ or sitting at an unflattering angle ‘my thighs are splodging’ (technical term), we were done and I had a raw image to get to work with.

I then spent several hours immersed in an app using different effects and fonts. There are some seriously cool effects which I tried out (just for fun), but as I’m not writing Sci-Fi, horror or a manga comic, sadly they’re not appropriate.

So here’s what I have so far. I’m not wedded to it, not even really at the hand holding stage, so any thoughts or ideas are welcome.

Next up – to puff or not to puff (all will become clear).

Tori x