The end is in sight!

I’ve had my manuscript back from my editor and am so glad I decided to bite the bullet and hire a professional. Everyone I asked, advised that I should. At first I was reluctant to spend the money as an #indieauthor, but I’m confident it was worth it. I feel so much better now that a professional has seen it and she didn’t say ‘this is rubbish, what are you doing?’ – phew. It must be ok.

I’m confident my book is now as shiny as it can be and I also now know the difference between a hyphen and an en-dash and when to use them, so, you know, that’s a big plus.

Thank you Helena Fairfax!

For the moment the ball is out of my court as it’s with my proof reader (a willing volunteer via work) and the awe inspiring Jessica Hepburn who has agreed to puff for me. See my earlier blog if you’re wondering what on earth I’m going on about. Hopefully she won’t think it’s rubbish and will still want to give me a quote for the cover when she’s done reading *crosses fingers*.

In other news, I’ve been having a bit of a wobbly time post miscarriage and trying again. It’s struck me that a lot of the support for miscarriages talks about grief and working through the feelings of loss, which is totally valid, but I haven’t found much in terms of support for trying again after loss. Surely a lot of people will go on to try again after a miscarriage and this brings a whole new set of challenges. Will it happen again quickly? If it does, will I be anxious about losing the pregnancy again? Will I feel guilty for moving on quickly, like I’m being disrespectful to the baby who didn’t make it? If it doesn’t happen quickly will I worry that it won’t happen at all, that that was the one chance – yes. I already worry about this. I’ve found myself re-reading my book from a new standpoint. I’m back there. I’m trying to conceive again and it’s by no means a smooth ride.

I’ve been flailing, a little bit. I know a lot of what I’m going through is a hangover from my previous fertility struggles. It’s not all about now. And it’s not all the time either. Sometimes I genuinely am feeling fine, but other times I struggle. Luckily, I have a tendency to be honest when people ask how I am, so when an old friend text me out of the blue asking just that, she got the full story. Even more luckily, that friend happens to be a lifestyle coach and has offered to do a neuro-linguistic programming session with me, to help me let go of what’s gone before and ‘release my anchored feelings’. Cheers Mel, looking forward to it. Hope to be feeling more stable soon.

Take care out there.

Tori x

 

I didn’t mean it

I didn’t mean it when I said I was jealous I couldn’t have a beer on holiday, or Brie in my sandwich, or when I said I was worried about going back to sleepless nights, or that I didn’t know how I was going to manage looking after a toddler and a newborn. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t want this. I wanted you. I loved you.

You were only as big as a lentil. You were there for such a short space of time, but you were there and you were real. You were real to me.

I knew I was pregnant for two weeks. Not long. But it was long enough to talk about whether you’d be a girl or a boy. Long enough to discuss the new sleeping arrangements in our house to accommodate you. Long enough to apply cocoa butter to my tummy morning and night. To take folic acid. To dig out our list of baby names and discuss which ones we still liked. To look through my maternity clothes and think about whether I had the right stuff for the right seasons. To download a pregnancy workout app. To know what the age gap between you and your big sister would be and how you’d play together. To talk to my tummy. To research aqua natal classes. To plan. To imagine. To dream.

To leave a space in our hearts.

Long enough.

 

It’s been quite a dramatic first two months of ttc for number two. After spending a full day in hospital yesterday, ruling out an ectopic pregnancy, I’m finding myself relieved that it’s ‘just a miscarriage’. What an odd place to be in.

My book, I’m still working on final edits, not much to say there just now. Though it’s looking like I might be gathering enough material for a sequel.

I’ll be back on form soon.

Tori x