Let’s talk fertility

 

It’s National Fertility Awareness Week and my social feeds have been flooded with people sharing their stories, being open, honest and real. I’m joining the voices to help change the conversation about infertility.  

Because I love a good list (who doesn’t?) here’s 7 things I’ve learned about infertility.  

1. It doesn’t discriminate. 

Infertility doesn’t discriminate, it affects people seemingly at random. Young, old, rich, poor, marathon runners, couch potatoes. If infertility has chosen you, it will shrug heartlessly. So, you’ve been taking fertility vitamins for six months? Don’t care. You’ve given up alcohol? Pah, so what? You did a shoulder stand for a full half an hour after sex while you watched Coronation Street? Couldn’t give a monkeys. Nope, infertility takes no prisoners. It’s unfair and let’s be honest here, it’s more than a bit shit. 

2. It can sneak up on you.  

If you’re like me and got a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, it probably took you by surprise and left you reeling. I didn’t know I was infertile until I started trying for a baby. I still don’t know why I was infertile but I do know in affects more than 1 in 8 couples and you don’t have to look far to find others fighting the same battle. 

3. It’s the club no one wants to join but with the best members. 

What stands out to me most this week, is the love and support that people in the infertility community give so willingly to those they’ve never met. Because we know. We know the crushing disappointment at seeing one line on a stick. We know what’s it’s like to live your life in two weekly cycles. To do our very best to look happy when a friend tells us they’re pregnant and they weren’t even really trying. We know and we’re there for each other. We’re here in the middle of the night when you post photos of your negative pregnancy test. Or when you’re gearing up for your embryo transfer, wearing your best pineapple socks. Or when you’re about to do your first injection and are worried you’ll do it wrong or won’t be able to do it at all because you’re scared of needles and faint every time you have an injection. We see you and we’re here for you. 

4. It changes you permanently.  

And not necessarily in a bad way. Those of you who’ve read my first book, Warrior, will know that I got my happy ending. I’m eternally grateful that my family is now complete. I know I’m blessed and in truth I wouldn’t change what I went through to get here. It’s changed me. In a good way. I don’t take things for granted. I have more humility and I always try to be sensitive to others people’s silent struggles.  

5.  You’re not alone. 

After I had my baby, I felt compelled to share my story. By then I knew I wasn’t alone in what I went through and I also knew I had an opportunity to help. I’ve since been humbled by personal messages from lovely readers who say my book has done just that and for me, that makes it worthwhile. 

6. It doesn’t leave you. 

 More recently, I’ve launched my second book, The Unchosen Life. I don’t think infertility really left me, as I was plagued by a feeling of What If? What if I hadn’t got pregnant? What if I hadn’t had a baby? I needed to know I’d have been okay anyway. Because that’s the reality for many women and there has to be life after infertility. There has to be. So, I dreamed up Clara. The woman whose infertility journey doesn’t end with a baby and how she goes on to find fulfilment in a life she didn’t choose. 

7. There’s always hope. 

There’s hope for a happy ending, however it may look. Wherever you are in your infertility journey and whatever your personal circumstances, don’t let go of that hope. And know that whatever happens you’ll be okay. Seek out support and most of all, be kind to yourselves. 

Love, Tori x 

P.S. In support of National Fertility Awareness Week both Warrior and The Unchosen Life are 99p on Amazon Kindle for the whole of November.

Blast off!

My second baby is born.

My book officially launched on Wednesday, the launch event was brilliant, big thanks to Giddy Arts, Cap and Collar and all who came.

I was honoured by the turn out and the support from so many lovely people in my life. If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know public speaking is not my thing and reading out what is essentially my personal diary to a room full of people had been giving me the jitters. However, I did it. I may have been a bit wobbly in parts and had to pause a few times to take deep breaths regain my composure, but I blooming well did it. The round of applause I got at the end and the kind and thoughtful comments after, made it all worthwhile. I’m not ashamed to say I was a little bit proud of myself. I’ve done things I thought I couldn’t do and it may sound clichéd, but I’ve realised the only thing holding me back was myself. A little bit of credit to my husband here, over the last eight years, he’s helped me to believe I can do a whole lot more than I’d decided I could. You’re not bad 😉

To go back to the start, slightly over a year ago, I excitedly wrote my first blog post I’ve written a book. For a long time, I was nervous about telling anyone what I was doing. Due to a lack of confidence, I thought people might not take me seriously. Probably more importantly, I thought I might not take myself seriously. That I might one day throw it all in the bin and chastise myself for thinking I could write or that anyone would be interested in my story. But deep down, I knew. I knew I have a story similar to so many others, the pain and heartbreak of struggling to make a baby. The fear that it may never happen, the angst and despair as what starts out as excitement and hope morphs into worry and dread. The obsession that takes over your life, the inability to see things clearly, the way trying to conceive dominates your life and affects your relationships with others in ways you couldn’t have imagined. I know this resonates, I know I wasn’t alone in what I went through. None of us are, and yet the long road of infertility is a lonely and isolating place. I hope my little contribution will offer others a connection point, something to relate to and maybe, just maybe raise a few smiles in the darkest of hours.

Lots of love to all.

Tori x

P.S. You can buy the book here.
Follow me on Twitter @Toridaywrites

Promoting my self published book

So there’s five days to go until my official launch and things are hotting up. I’m on Amazon and I’ve got some reviews already, how exciting!

Since I last blogged, I’ve been on the radio again, with the lovely Stephanie Hirst on Radio Leeds (go to 46 mins in if you want to listen). I’m up straight after George Ezra and ‘Bupapest’ will now forever make me feel nervous. Sitting in a studio like the ones I’ve only seen on the telly before, waiting for a light to go red which means I’m live on air and 30,000 people are listening, was a nerve wracking experience. But Steph was lovely and as soon as we started I felt myself relax and am proud to say when I listened back, I sounded reasonably articulate and quite comfortable with the subject matter (which I am, totes). She even let me get a selfie with her after – see below. My husband said ‘You didn’t sound like a numpty’ (erm cheers) and my sister said ‘Just listened. Made me teary. You are brilliant.’ (love her)

So that’s that and suddenly more people are reading my blog and I have sold some books already! I’ve said before, being an #indieauthor is tough and self-promoting can feel uncomfortable, but if I put aside that I’m promoting my own work and think about the people I’m hoping to reach and possibly offer a bit of comfort to, then that motivates me to keep going.

I’ve been interviewed in our local magazine (pg 22) which was a pleasure. Print is much more my comfort zone than being ‘live on air’ (mini shudder). Thank you to my friend Jenna who knows the editor and passed on their contact details when the standard ‘submissions@’ address yielded no results.

And big thanks to Fertility Network UK for posting my press release. 10% of my profits will go to the charity and they’ve also been supporting my release on their social media channels which has given me a boost. Happy days.

Oh yes, so what have I learnt? What’s my advice to other #indieauthors? It’s this; put yourselves out there, ask people for favours, find ways in. Believe in yourself (said in a non-cheesy way) and use your own networks to promote – friends and family will be your biggest advocates and word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool.

Five days to go – eek!

Love Tori x

Sugar’s getting real

I say sugar because I’m so used to substituting words when my husband swears in front of our toddler, that my mind now automatically does it. Sugar is getting real as, there’s 24 days until my book is launched and available to the world. Eek!

I’m having a launch event, which I’m excited and terrified about in equal measure. A local arts shop has agreed to host my launch (yay!) and to stock my book (double yay!), thanks Giddy Arts.

I’ve planned the event meticulously, invited friends and family, my book club and writing group and there’s much anticipation. BUT I’m going to have to do a reading from my book and shock horror, maybe even a speech. I’m not a natural public speaker, there’s a reason I’m a writer – I much prefer to write things down than say them to a room full of people. On this occasion, I’m going to have to step up and give it my best.

I usually try to make my blogs useful to others by saying what I’ve learnt in the self-publishing process, I’m not sure I have anything to offer on giving speeches for people who don’t like public speaking just yet. Aside from imagining everyone naked, I’ve been told practise, practise, practise. So I’m doing lots of that. Mostly by myself in my bedroom at the moment, but my book club are going to get an advance showing this week, and my writing group the week after, so I’m hoping after that, I’ll be a pro – or as good as I’ll ever be!

Wish me luck.

Love Tori x

No shame

I’ve been very quiet on the blog front. My book has taken a back seat as I’ve got a new job and moved house, into a ‘do-er upper’. Real life gets in the way and it’s been all about stripping walls, choosing paints and receiving eye watering quotes from tradespeople 😲. That paired with trying to understand a whole new world of jargon and acronyms at work, getting to know lots of new people and figuring out how to make and impact in my new role, hasn’t left time for much else.

I was prompted to write this post in support of #fertilityweek18, I got as far as the first paragraph, then life got in the way again. Now I’m aware I’m now a bit late to the party…oops. I’ll continue anyway, as I’m a firm believer in talking about fertility struggles; it shouldn’t be shrouded in silence and there should absolutely be no shame.

Like many, my fertility struggles crept up on me. I’d never had any reason to think there’d be a problem, my periods had always been regular and I was fit and healthy. I have curvy hips which once prompted a friend to say ‘You look like you’d get pregnant easily’. This made me smile at the time as we’d only just embarked on our trying to conceive journey and I believed it’d be true. Each month we’d eagerly await the time we could reliably test, analysing every possible early pregnancy symptom, which cruelly are very similar to symptoms of your period arriving. Each month we felt just a little crushed at the sight of that one line. Were we doing it right? Why wasn’t it working?

After the months passed by, my hopefulness and excitement slowly morphed into frustration, fear, and eventually, obsession. I would dream of seeing two lines on a white stick and of having a lovely round belly, full of a baby. Then I’d wake and feel grief wash over me. Then guilt. I hadn’t lost anything, I didn’t have any right to feel grief. I needed to get a grip. I didn’t have the right to be wallowing. I could do better than that. And anyway, it was probably just a matter of time. Sadly, I’m sure this cycle of thinking will be familiar to many. It’s not helpful that we beat ourselves up for feeling sad about something that is sad.

In the end it was a matter of time. Two and a half years to be precise. And also a matter of medical intervention. God bless IVF for giving us our beautiful daughter. We’re blessed to have our happy ending, but it’s real life, so the story doesn’t end there. We’re now #tryingagain and after a few false starts and a miscarriage, I’m trying hard not to be back in that space.

To anyone currently struggling, lots of love and support to you. We can take comfort in the fact that we’re not alone and the world is slowly becoming more aware, more sensitive and kinder to those experiencing fertility issues. I believe we can help each other by speaking out, being open and telling the truth when people ask when. There is no shame.

Love Tori x

To puff or not to puff

So, while I’m focusing on the stuff on my ‘to do’ list, other than write book, I’ve found myself in a quandary. To puff or not to puff?

Let me explain, as it had me flummoxed.

You know how professionally printed books often have a quote on the cover saying how marvellous it is, usually by a published author or the press? Well it’s known in the trade as a ‘puff quote’. That’s because often they say things like ‘This book is really good, you should definitely read it’, which doesn’t tell you anything, except one person liked it, or maybe it was just that they owed the author a favour and haven’t read it. (Not like me to be cynical, but you know, it’s a possibility).

According to Debbie Young of ALLi what you want is a puff with a purpose – something that adds to what you have on your front cover by giving potential readers more of a clue as to what’s inside. A Ronseal approach, if you will. So for me, maybe it could be something like ‘An open and honest account of one woman’s difficult road to get pregnant’, or perhaps something a bit more gushing?

I realise I’m asking more questions than I’m answering. I’d set out thinking this blog might help others who are self-publishing, but I have to confess, I’m feeling my way as I go, or perhaps a more accurate description is #wingingit. That’s ok, it’s a voyage of discovery and I can share what I’m learning on the way.

So, after deciding to puff, I’ve been scratching my head with the all-important ‘who?’ question. A famous author? A fertility specialist? A friend? My mum? No, probably not.

The answer came to me while I was in the bath, reading about swimming. That’s Jessica Hepburn’s 21 Miles which I referenced in a previous blog post (fabulous woman, amazing book). She’s a published author and an infertility survivor, far more of a warrior than me. She’s the perfect person to puff for me. But I was a bit nervous about making the approach. She founded Fertility Fest and she swam the channel, why would she want to read my book and give me a quote? We’ve met briefly when I accosted her in the loos after the Two Week Wait session at Fertility Fest, but we’re hardly bezzies. After much deliberating and discussing with my husband, I took the plunge (excuse the pun). I took a deep breath and composed my email. Then waited.

I didn’t have to wait long and amazingly, she said yes – thanks Jessica! 🙂

So, what I’ve learnt here is, if you don’t ask you don’t get. As #indieauthors we have to push ourselves forward in a way that can feel a bit uncomfortable, to get ourselves heard. Not easy without a big publishing company and marketing team behind us, but we can do it, one step at a time. Happy writing!

Tori x

 

 

 

Front cover for an #indieauthor

A quickie this time, on where I’m up to with self-publishing my book.

Despite itching to keep tinkering with it (why do new ideas come to me as soon as I’ve given it to people to read??) I’ve turned my attention to the points on my to do list other than ‘write book’.

The front cover.

I’m not a designer, nor do I want to pay to hire a professional designer, which leaves me with a bit of a quandary. Luckily, I have a couple of talented friends who are willing to help out. I have an idea of what it should look like, but haven’t managed to come up with anything that screams ‘yes’ at me, through my dabbling in a free app. See above – I’m not a designer.

I want something that communicates hope and despair, frustration, bleakness, but also a bit of humour and light hearted-ness. Is that an impossible brief?

This weekend, I donned my dressing gown, set my iPhone to the timer switch and ‘posed’ on the toilet to get an idea of the look I was going for. After several attempts and frustration as my hair wasn’t in the right place, or you could see too much of my legs, I called in my husband for help.

“Can you come take a photo of me on the toilet?” I shouted down the stairs.

“Can I do what?”

I clarified it was for my book cover and not some new fetish I’d recently developed, and he was happy to oblige. So, after half an hour of his amateur directing and me trying different ways of sitting on the toilet without revealing too much ‘nope, you can see down my dressing gown – too much cleavage,’ or sitting at an unflattering angle ‘my thighs are splodging’ (technical term), we were done and I had a raw image to get to work with.

I then spent several hours immersed in an app using different effects and fonts. There are some seriously cool effects which I tried out (just for fun), but as I’m not writing Sci-Fi, horror or a manga comic, sadly they’re not appropriate.

So here’s what I have so far. I’m not wedded to it, not even really at the hand holding stage, so any thoughts or ideas are welcome.

Next up – to puff or not to puff (all will become clear).

Tori x

Fertility fest and a two week wait

I’ve just put the metaphorical pen down on version three of my book and I think I’ve reached saturation point. I need to step away. I’m becoming sick of the sight of it. I’m assured by my writer friends, that this is all part of the writing process and that it actually means I’m nearly there. Here’s hoping.

Last week I visited the wonderful Fertility Fest at Bush Theatre in London. It was a privilege to be around such awe inspiring women and to meet some ladies on their own fertility journeys. But, if I’m completely honest in took me right back there. It was odd timing as we’ve recently taken the plunge and decided to start trying for baby number two. I’d naively thought it’d be completely fine this time. We already have our beautiful girl and we’ve got 11 embryos in the freezer as back up. Whole different ball game, right? Well yes…and no.

After the first month, a false positive saw me rifling through the dustbins trying to retrieve an earlier negative test to check for a faint second line. I hassled the pharmacist at Boots, with photos of the ‘positive’ test, holding out a freshly done-in-the-toilets-of-the-pub-across-the-road, negative test. ‘What does this mean?’ I demanded of her. The infuriating advice is, of course, they don’t know. Wait a couple of days and test again. A couple of days? I couldn’t stand another minute of not knowing. All those old feelings of hope and despair, which I thought I’d put to bed, came crashing back. I got my period that night which gave me my answer and put me out of my misery. Turns out evaporation lines on pregnancy tests really are a thing – too cruel. Never, in all my years of trying, have I seen that before. Truth is, I’ve been left reeling and feeling unsure if I can face trying again next month.

I started this post to talk about where I’m up to with my book and my visit to Fertility Fest, and I seem to have gone off at a tangent. I guess it needed to come out. Now that I’ve offloaded that into cyber space, I’ll get back on subject. Those awe inspiring women. I very handily had a work meeting cancelled, which meant I could get along to the ‘Two Week Wait’ session, very apt given I’d just come to the end of my first two week wait in a long, long time.

Rachel Cathan read from her book 336 hours (great read, I read it in one emotional sitting, laughing out loud and crying along with her, through the tumultuous IVF two week (or 336 hour) wait. We had a chat afterwards and she gave me some pointers on self-publishing and helping people find your book once it’s out there. Thanks Rachel!

The session was hosted by Jessica Hepburn, founder of Fertility Fest, who has just launched her latest book 21 Miles. After 10 years and 11 failed IVF attempts, she threw in the towel and looked to find fulfilment and meaning in life, elsewhere. So obviously, the logical next step was to swim the channel. Yep. Her book tells the tale of how she met with a collection of inspiring women to ask the question ‘Does motherhood make you happy?’ She took their answers to sea as she set off in the dark from Dover, to complete her challenge and answer her burning question. It’s on my reading list, perhaps one for my book club 🙂

So, on my book. My nearest and dearest are reading again. Meanwhile, I’m turning my thoughts to the things on my ‘to do’ list other than ‘write book’. Up next, the front cover. More on this to come…

Tori x

A maiden voyage into self publishing

After my first rather enthusiastic post announcing I’d written a book, it’s all gone a bit quiet. It turns out I’m still writing a book. Writing is re-writing, as they say in the industry. I thought getting an initial draft I was reasonably happy with was the hard part, the bulk of the work done. Not quite the case, but that’s ok, I’m on a voyage of discovery and am having quite a bit of fun along the way. It’s a shame my actual job hols me up sometimes, though I’m lucky that working in communications and marketing, I do get to do plenty of what I love at work too.

When I’m not working or looking after my toddler, I’m immersed in the rabbit warren which is Twittersphere learning about book review sites, upcoming fertility conferences, marketing opportunities, editing, proofreading, fertility publications, reading endlessly, it goes on and on.

So, as I’m on my maiden voyage into the self publishing world, I’ve decided to focus this blog on my experiences, what I’m learning, the mistakes I’ll undoubtedly make and any helpful tips I can offer others on the same path.

First things first; editing my work to get it ship shape and shiny, ready to be published. I’ve now learned enough about self publishing and being an #indieauthor (get me, hashtagging and everything) to know I have a responsibility to the self publishing community to get my work to a professional standard before putting it out there.

I’ve been working my way through Jessica Bell’s Writing in a Nutshell series (highly recommended). I’m learning all about showing not telling (writing 101, right?), the six senses, how to edit your own work; writers tics – I’ve cut 1000 words from my manuscript by removing ‘superfluous words’, who knew I said ‘just’, ‘really’, ‘think’ and ‘feel’ quite so much?! Actually a bit sad that my word count is 1000 words down, but I know the book will be better for it so I’ll get over it.

I consider myself a perfectionist when it comes to writing and a bonafide grammar nerd. (I know, I’m opening myself up to people pointing out grammatical errors in this blog, go for it, I’m always happy to learn 🙂 ). I’m one of those people who’ll stand outside a coffee shop, looking at the chalk board menu, saying to my husband (or whoever else is around to listen) they don’t need an apostrophe in paninis, it’s plural paninis, not the panini’s bread or the panini’s tomato. Nothing can belong to a panini! I’ve said panini way too many times now, I’ll stop. That said, I’ve found myself scratching my head over the nitty gritty of grammar rules. With the more complicated rules, I confess I’ve often got by through relying on my gut instinct as a native English speaker. Knowing if it ‘sounds right’ it probably is, but once you start to over-analyse, you question yourself. A few hours of Googling later and I’m finding I’m ready to be a free spirit, no longer caring if I should be using ‘that’ or ‘which’, taking on the mind-set of the grammar anarchist – who cares, the reader knows what I mean! It’s a pain staking process, but I’ll get there, I will get there!

Grammar aside, I’ve had some amazing feedback from my beta readers, and a very helpful developmental edit from the lovely Sam and Cristina at Manufixers – thanks guys! Just to back track momentarily, when I say ‘amazing’, I don’t mean they said my book was amazing, I mean it was amazing as it turned on a light bulb in my head, giving me access to the answers that were lurking in the depths of my brain somewhere.

My book is my story, my trying to conceive memoir. It’s written in diary format as it’s based on my journal kept at the time. Further to feedback, I’m now carefully editing sections to make them more present, bringing my ‘characters’ (who are actually real people) to life with action and dialogue. I’m merrily making my husband and step daughter three dimensional – what an odd sentence to end on, but there you go – that’s where I’m at, in case you were wondering.

Coming up next, I’ll be blogging about book cover design (perhaps even including a sneak preview), marketing, preparing the manuscript to self publish and maybe some other stuff I haven’t thought of yet.

Thanks for reading, any thoughts or suggestions welcome. 🙂

Tori x

P.S. You can now follow me on Twitter @toridaywrites

I’ve written a book

I remember as though it were yesterday, my tutor on my creative writing course at uni rolling her eyes at my first short fiction submission. To give her her due, it was awful, but come on, I was 19 and my baseline for ‘good’ writing, was articles in Sugar and Just Seventeen magazines. She may as well have told me that my annoying inner voice telling me not to bother as I’m never going to be a good writer, was right. Well in your face creative writing tutor, I’m back and this time I have a story to tell that doesn’t involve a teenage girl going on a date and then thinking her new boyfriend is cheating on her, but lo – it turns out he’s a twin and it’s him she’s spied with another girl! (I know, told you it was awful). Phew, looks like I had to get that off my chest, didn’t even realise I’d been holding on to it. So, back to the matter in hand – I’ve written a book.

I’ve been writing stories from as soon as I could write, my best friend and I would pen colourful books about our my little ponies and sylvanian families, complete with crayoned illustrations, then read them out to any audience we could gather – our not so willing siblings, slightly more obliging parents or even better – each other.

I was an avid journal keeper throughout my teenage years (cringe when I read those back now). This continued sporadically through adulthood, and when me and my husband starting struggling to conceive our baby, it ramped up with a vengeance, my pen scribbling out all my angst, despair and hope onto the pages of my journal. Our daughter was born three years and three months after we started trying to conceive and our world took on the rose tinted sheen of new parents. Awe, bewilderment and elation permeated our existence.

During those bubble like, sleep deprived months, I found myself again reaching for the notebook. I had an overwhelming urge to write. I knew, I had to tell my story. Not only did I finally have something to write about, but writing about it could also, help people – win. I know I’m not alone in struggling to conceive, in fact I’d probably describe my experience as fertility issues-light when I look at what others go through. But, I know I would have liked to read a book like the one I’ve (very nearly) finished writing.

The trying to conceive journey is a lonely and isolating place, and people don’t really ‘get it’ unless they’ve been there. So I hope that my story might help others, as I tell my tale with what I hope is complete candour, vulnerability and at times a sense of humour. When life tests you, you really find out who you are. It’s easy to be happy, upbeat and positive when everything’s rosy. Navigating the emotional roller-coaster of infertility, without losing yourself and giving into obsession is no mean feat. So, just now, my book is being read by some willing volunteers on their own fertility journey and it may undergo some final edits before it’s brought forth into the world, via Kindle Publishing Direct. Watch this space…

Tori x